Today I was scared

Every day I wake up wondering is this the day I am going to get pregnant again? Every day I wonder what it looks like inside of me with ever new pain I have. About a month ago I was at home with my son and I went to bend over to pick something up and I got a sharp pain in my right side. I was scared that it might be a cyst that burst that would require intervention. My family though was worried about my appendix. When you have endo you do not think of that you think this pain it is a cyst or something going on with my endo. I had to have what most people with condition know all to familiar an emergency ultra sound. The doctor said he say nothing on there, but that does not mean that the endo had not grown in a new spot and that I would require another surgery to remove it, but I was too close to my last one. I left that appointment that day wondering every month am I going to get a new growth to the point that I will have to have my second surgery. I said in my last point my husband and I have had the hysterectomy talk. I have had it in my mind made up because I do not want a laparoscope surgery every other year to remove growths that could grow back. As of right now though all I can think of is will I ever get pregnant again?

 

 

Today I was not strong

I have been fighting with endo since I was 14 years old.  I started out going to the doctors as a teen back and forth being in extreme pain and the doctors It suggested I had endo, but this past November it was confirmed. I think finding out hit me the hardest especially because we are trying to have our second child. Today of all days though it all hit me the hardest because the pain seemed so real. Every move I made hurt and no pain killers were taking care of it. Every day I feel my pain (which any with endo knows it is almost every day) I know the worse the pain gets the closer I am getting having another laparoscope surgery. I have even prepared myself for hysterectomy in the next two years. This has been interesting conversations with my husband but, I think he tired of seeing me in the fetal position as soon as I stop acting tough for our son or any family member. Today though, today I had my son all day and I want to just lay on the floor and cry but you have to be strong, but now my son has gone to bed I break down. Today I was not strong.